Someday Isn't a Strategy

Aug 6

My mom and I took the train from London to Paris together years ago….just the two of us.

She came to stay when our kids were little, to help out. And when I was little, I used to curl up in her chair while she read to me. That's the mother I carry around in my heart.

Then Alzheimer's came. Slowly at first, then all at once.

And then COVID came.

I did the responsible thing…I stayed away.

I told myself I was protecting her. And I was.

But here's what I didn't understand at the time: every responsible, rule-following, "I'll see her when this is over" day was a trade. I knew it in my heart. I just kept choosing the rules over her.

That's the part nobody tells you about doing the right thing. It can still cost you everything.

By the time the world opened up again she was mostly gone.

Not physically. She's still here – in a wheelchair now, in long-term care. She's always happy to see us which is a blessing…she just doesn't know who we are anymore.

I would have broken every rule, taken every risk, just to sit with her one more time before she lost her memory. To look through photo albums. To laugh about my crazy landlady in London. To thank her for staying by my side after my accident. Just to be with her.

That's my trade. The one I can't get back.

This Isn't a Story About Covid

I'm not sharing this for sympathy, and I'm not sharing it to argue over the decisions any of us made during a pandemic none of us had a playbook for. I'm sharing it because I know I'm not the only one carrying a trade like this.

Something (or someone) you keep putting off. Until later. Until things settle. Until it's safe. Until the quarter closes, the kids are older, the business sells, the timing is right.

There's always a reasonable-sounding excuse. That's what makes it dangerous. It doesn't feel like a choice in the moment. It feels like being responsible.

The Story Underneath the Story

I've come to believe there's a belief system running quietly under most of these decisions. I call it the Responsible Life Myth. It’s the cultural narrative that says playing it safe is smart, that comfort is success, and that you'll have time for the life you really want later.

It's the voice that says living each day like it's your last is irresponsible. That showing up now, when it's inconvenient or scary or against the rules, is reckless. That later is a plan.

We're often told that living each day as if it's our last is irresponsible. But that's just a story – a narrative to keep us thinking small.

It kept me away from my mother, for longer than I needed to be. Because I believed, in the moment, that the responsible choice and the right choice were the same thing. They weren't.